Niacin: The Depression Cure

Niacin (or vitamin B-3) has been a long-standing known cure for chronic depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, most of us have never heard of the potential emotional benefits to Niacin. Though the reason for secrecy surrounding vitamin therapy has a complicated and deep-rooted past, a simple explanation is that natural remedies are not supported by the U.S. medical field.

A Brief Niacin History

One of the most publicized cases of Niacin used as a cure for depression surrounded Bill Wilson (the founder of AA). Bill struggled with chronic depression much of his life, and after being introduced to psychiatrists Humphrey Osmond and Abram Hoffer in the late fifties, he began participating in a study including the use of Niacin for depression.

Bill supported Niacin so strongly, that he attempted to introduce its use to the AA organization, but the idea was fully rejected by the fellowship. Bill published several articles, and detailed his experiences with depression and his cure, in the book, “Pass It On.”

Since the research in the fifties, various nutritionists (and very few enlightened doctors) have prescribed high doses of Niacin for chronic depression. Unfortunately, treatment of serious illnesses with vitamin therapy has become dangerous ground for most doctors to walk on. In fact, in the United States, it is against the law to prescribe nutrition or vitamins to treat cancer patients (promoting natural cures landed Juice Master, Jason Vale in prison).

The Myth That Vitamins Are Dangerous

OK, so this may not be completely a myth… In the “Annals of Emergency Medicine” there were 2 documented cases of serious reactions to high doses of Niacin. These patients had taken the Niacin to clear their system of Cocaine in order to pass drug tests. So how does this compare to conventional medicine? Over 783,936 people die EVERY YEAR from medical mistakes and approximately 100,000+ of those deaths are people taking prescription drugs as directed.

Treating Depression and Anxiety Naturally

First and foremost, it is important to recognize that depression and anxiety can actually be enhanced by poor diet and stress. Niacin itself should not be the first option to treatment if nutrition, exercise and stress are not being addressed. Simply improving your diet, exercising regularly and taking time to meditate or relax, could greatly improve problems with depression and anxiety.

It is also important to note that many prescription medications for emotional illness have their own side effects. Taking these drugs can actually enhance emotional distress, or have other adverse effects.

If depression and anxiety are severe enough however, you should probably seek out medical care from a doctor who is familiar with natural remedies and treatments. Niacin has not been known to cause death, but should be taken in carefully managed doses and supplemented with other vitamins (especially the other B vitamins).

Most doctors will prescribe Niacin in small frequent doses, and slowly increase these doses daily. Large amounts of Niacin will cause your skin to flush, but a slight niacin flush should end in about ten minutes or so and is considered normal. A doctor will most likely suggest that Niacin be taken after each meal in a small dose (such as 25 mg), and may increase that dose each day (such as 50mg at breakfast, then 25mg for lunch and dinner). These doses will not usually exceed 3,000 to 9,000 mg a day, and will be reduced if the patient’s skin continues to flush.

Niacin not only treats depression, but has also been shown to aid with sleeping problems, alcoholism, schizophrenia, and high cholesterol.

Choosing the Right Type of Niacin

Sufficient research has not been performed on the effectiveness of No-Flush and Flush-Free varieties of Niacin for depression, however research has shown that they have no impact on patients with high cholesterol. We suggest taking pure nicotinic acid (if you cannot find this at the grocer, try your local organic store or purchase it online).

Natural Sources of Niacin

Some foods Niacin can be found in, include almonds and seeds, wheat products, beans, rice bran, green leafy vegetables, carrots, turnips, celery, lean red meat, fish, organ meats (kidney, liver), prawns, and pork.

Credits

Annals of Emergency Medicine
www.physicalfitnessforum.com
www.health-report.co.uk
Pass It on: The Story of Bill Wilson and How the A. A. Message Reached the World by Alcoholics Anonymous
Encyclopedia of Natural Medicine, Revised Second Edition by Michael Murray and Joseph Pizzorno

Poem: Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy By John le Carre,

"I knew what it was like…to be brought up by a man so oversized that your only resort as a child was to subterfuge and deceipt. And I knew how easily the anger and inwardness thus born could turn themselves into a love-hate relationship with the father images of society, and finally with society itself, so that the childish avenger becomes the adult predator."

Imago Relationship Therapy: Harville Hendrix, PhD

Imago Relationship Therapy is a form of marriage therapy founded by Harville Hendrix, PhD, author of Getting The Love You Want: A Guide For Couples, Keeping The Love You Find: A Personal Guide, and Giving The Love That Heals: A Guide For Parents.

Premise

IRT claims to integrate and extend western psychological systems, behavioral sciences, and spiritual disciplines into a theory of primary love relationships. Its basic premise is that:

We were born whole and complete.

We became wounded during the early nurturing and socialization stages of development by our primary caretakers (usually inadvertently).

We have a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is called the Imago. It is like a blueprint of the one we need to marry someday.

We marry someone who is an Imago match, that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Since our parents are the ones who wounded us, it is only they who can heal us. Not them literally, but a primary love partner who matches their traits.

Romantic Love is the door to marriage and is nature's selection process that connects us with the right partner for our eventual healing and growth.

We move into the Power Struggle as soon as we make a commitment to this person. The Power Struggle is necessary, for embedded in a couple's frustrations lies the information for healing and growth.

The first two stages of marriage, "Romantic Love" and the "Power Struggle," are engaged in at an unconscious level. Our unconscious mind chooses our partner for the purpose of healing childhood wounds.

With conscious effort and dialogue, our Imago love partner is most compatible with us and able to help us to resolve unfinished issues of self-wholeness.

Practice of Imago Therapy

The goal of Imago Relationship Therapy is to align our conscious mind (which usually wants happiness and good feelings) with the agenda of the unconscious mind (which wants healing and growth). Thus, the goal of Imago Therapy is to assist clients in developing conscious, intimate, and committed relationships.

The core practice of Imago Therapy is the "Couple's Dialogue," in which a couple engages in a structured conversation, with or without an Imago Therapist.

The Couple's Dialogue consists of Mirroring (repeating) each statement, Summarization, Validation ("That makes sense because ...") and Empathy ("I imagine that makes you feel ..."). This enables each partner to extend himself or herself to understand the experience of the other as different from his or her own.
The process of trying to help one's partner to heal his or her childhood wounds ends up growing parts of one's own personality that need the most growth. This is largely due to the unconscious process of finding a partner that matches one's Imago. As partners help each other to heal, they are also helping themselves to grow, moving them both closer to becoming whole and complete again.

If you experience anxiety, you experience a fear of anxiety

By Jodi Lobozzo Aman

I find the concept that fears can be assessed as rational or irrational hilarious. Does this mean some fears are “valid” and other are not? How do we know which fears are legitimate, rational, right?

Say, your mother has cancer and you are afraid of her dying. Is that considered a rational anxiety, because she actually might die? Everybody is going to die. Fear of one’s mom dying is actually a fear of being afraid when mom is dying, or most accurately fear of not be able to handle the anxiety when mom dies. Is that rational?


Can you handle fear?

If behind all fears is the fear of fear, (an illusion) then ‘true fear’ is an oxymoron.

We mistakenly think some fear is “rational.” It is as if some fears have evidence and some don’t. Let me let you in on a secret: The evidence is an illusion. The meaning is construed to support the fear. “It could happen.” “You can’t trust yourself.” “It will be awful.” These are what the fear tells us, to get us to buy in. This doesn’t mean it is true! However, many of us get caught; hook, line and sinker. If you think about it, they may hold the energy of fear’s evidence, but they don’t really mean anything.

Conversation with Irrational Fear

“You have to do this or else.” Fear says.

Or else what?

“Or else something bad will happen.”

What, what will happen?

“Something real bad. You will hate it. It will be awful.”

Damned if we know and fear doesn’t tell us. The evasiveness is part of the PR plan to hold the market on our lives. Evasiveness is fears trademark. The mystery of it gives it power.

Twelve year old Samantha came to see me for therapy. She’s experienced many losses over the last few years. Her younger sister was hospitalized from a life threatening illness that left her permanently disabled. Both her maternal grandparents died within a few months of each other. Her parents got separated and divorced. And her mother had gone through her own bout of breast cancer, incurring surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Though all of this, Samantha remained calm and engaged in life and school. Now it is one year since any tragedies, and she began to feel excessively anxious in school, needing to call her mother several times during the school day. She was worried about her mother dying by the cancer returning, getting kidnapped, ‘just stopping breathing’ or getting into a car accident.

Many family members were curious how she was strong through the troubling times, only to be immobilized once everything was peaceful. Her school counselor, who had been supporting her, offered the following explanation: You were young before and did not understand the serious nature of the events when they were happening. Now you understand and that is why you are afraid.

Oh no! I thought. This comment might not sound too fatuous off hand. However, I propose that it elevated Samantha’s anxiety to a truth status: Now you are smart enough to know you are supposed to be afraid. You should be afraid of these things. Fearing these things is right, you were just too stupid before.

Not helpful. It constructed the anxiety as “rational,” associating it with being more mature, more knowledgeable and, I hate to say it, more normal. This confirmed anxiety for her, making matters worse. Irrational and rational are just meanings we make to chide or justify ourselves. One more way to assess we are on or off track. It is judgment plain and simple and it is one more way to keep us attached to anxiety. Do any of you want to be attached to anxiety? I don’t! Treatment needs to deconstruct that “We should be afraid.”

Fear is Not Rational or Irrational: Fear is Relative

What is apparent is that fear is relative. It is not real or imagined; logical or illogical; rational or irrational; valid or invalid. Fear is just an experience. It may be an intense experience and have many unappreciated effects on our lives. But, the good news is, we can change it.

Next time ask fear and anxiety: What is the worst that can happen?

Dalai Lama Teaching: Training the Mind: Verse 1

With a determination to achieve the highest aim
For the benefit of all sentient beings
Which surpasses even the wish-fulfilling gem,
May I hold them dear at all times.

These four lines are about cultivating a sense of holding dear all other sentient beings. The main point this verse emphasizes is to develop an attitude that enables you to regard other sentient beings as precious, much in the manner of precious jewels. The question could be raised, "Why do we need to cultivate the thought that other sentient beings are precious and valuable?"

In one sense, we can say that other sentient beings are really the principal source of all our experiences of joy, happiness, and prosperity, and not only in terms of our day-to-day dealings with people. We can see that all the desirable experiences that we cherish or aspire to attain are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings. It is an obvious fact. Similarly, from the point of view of a practitioner on the path, many of the high levels of realization that you gain and the progress you make on your spiritual journey are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings. Furthermore, at the resultant state of buddhahood, the truly compassionate activities of a buddha can come about spontaneously without any effort only in relation to sentient beings, because they are the recipients and beneficiaries of those enlightened activities. So one can see that other sentient beings are, in a sense, the true source of our joy, prosperity, and happiness. Basic joys and comforts of life such as food, shelter, clothing, and companionship are all dependent upon other sentient beings, as is fame and renown. Our feelings of comfort and sense of security are dependent upon other people's perceptions of us and their affection for us. It is almost as if human affection is the very basis of our existence. Our life cannot start without affection, and our sustenance, proper growth, and so on all depend on it. In order to achieve a calm mind, the more you have a sense of caring for others, the deeper your satisfaction will be. I think that the very moment you develop a sense of caring, others appear more positive. This is because of your own attitude. On the other hand, if you reject others, they will appear to you in a negative way. Another thing that is quite clear to me is that the moment you think only of yourself, the focus of your whole mind narrows, and because of this narrow focus uncomfortable things can appear huge and bring you fear and discomfort and a sense of feeling overwhelmed by misery. The moment you think of others with a sense of caring, however, your mind widens. Within that wider angle, your own problems appear to be of no significance, and this makes a big difference. If you have a sense of caring for others, you will manifest a kind of inner strength in spite of your own difficult situations and problems. With this strength, your problems will seem less significant and bothersome. By going beyond your own problems and taking care of others, you gain inner strength, self-confidence, courage, and a greater sense of calm. This is a clear example of how one's way of thinking can really make a difference.

The Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life (Bodhicaryavatara) says that there is a phenomenological difference between the pain that you experience when you take someone else's pain upon yourself and the pain that comes directly from your own pain and suffering. In the former, there is an element of discomfort because you are sharing the other's pain; however, as Shantideva points out, there is also a certain amount of stability because, in a sense, you are voluntarily accepting that pain. In the voluntary participation in other's suffering there is strength and a sense of confidence. But in the latter case, when you are undergoing your own pain and suffering, there is an element of involuntariness, and because of the lack of control on your part, you feel weak and completely overwhelmed. In the Buddhist teachings on altruism and compassion, certain expressions are used such as "One should disregard one's own well-being and cherish other's well-being." It is important to understand these statements regarding the practice of voluntarily sharing someone else's pain and suffering in their proper context. The fundamental point is that if you do not have the capacity to love yourself, then there is simply no basis on which to build a sense of caring toward others. Love for yourself does not mean that you are indebted to yourself. Rather, the capacity to love oneself or be kind to oneself should be based on a very fundamental fact of human existence: that we all have a natural tendency to desire happiness and avoid suffering. Once this basis exists in relation to oneself, one can extend it to other sentient beings. Therefore, when we find statements in the teachings such as "Disregard your own well-being and cherish the well-being of others," we should understand them in the context of training yourself according to the ideal of compassion. This is important if we are not to indulge in self-centered ways of thinking that disregard the impact of our actions on other sentient beings. As I said earlier, we can develop an attitude of considering other sentient beings as precious in the recognition of the part their kindness plays in our own experience of joy, happiness, and success. This is the first consideration. The second consideration is as follows: through analysis and contemplation you will come to see that much of our misery, suffering, and pain really result from a self-centered attitude that cherishes one's own well-being at the expense of others, whereas much of the joy, happiness, and sense of security in our lives arise from thoughts and emotions that cherish the well-being of other sentient beings. Contrasting these two forms of thought and emotion convinces us of the need to regard other's well-being as precious.

There is another fact concerning the cultivation of thoughts and emotions that cherish the well-being of others: one's own self-interest and wishes are fulfilled as a by-product of actually working for other sentient beings. As Je Tsong Khapa points out in his Great Exposition of the Path to Enlightenment (Lamrim Chenmo), "the more the practitioner engages in activities and thoughts that are focused and directed toward the fulfillment of others' well-being, the fulfillment or realization of his or her own aspiration will come as a by-product without having to make a separate effort." Some of you may have actually heard the remark, which I make quite often, that in some sense the bodhisattvas, the compassionate practitioners of the Buddhist path, are wisely selfish people, whereas people like ourselves are the foolishly selfish. We think of ourselves and disregard others, and the result is that we always remain unhappy and have a miserable time. The time has come to think more wisely, hasn't it? This is my belief. At some point the question comes up, "Can we really change our attitude?"

My answer on the basis of my little experience is, without hesitation, "Yes!" This is quite clear to me. The thing that we call "mind" is quite peculiar. Sometimes it is very stubborn and very difficult to change. But with continuous effort and with conviction based on reason, our minds are sometimes quite honest. When we really feel that there is some need to change, then our minds can change. Wishing and praying alone will not transform your mind, but with conviction and reason, reason based ultimately on your own experience, you can transform your mind. Time is quite an important factor here, and with time our mental attitudes can certainly change. One point I should make here is that some people, especially those who see themselves as very realistic and practical, are too realistic and obsessed with practicality. They may think, "This idea of wishing for the happiness of all sentient beings and this idea of cultivating thoughts of cherishing the well-being of all sentient beings are unrealistic and too idealistic. They don't contribute in any way to the transformation of one's mind or to attaining some kind of mental discipline because they are completely unachievable." Some people may think in these terms and feel that perhaps a more effective approach would be to begin with a close circle of people with whom one has direct interaction. They think that later one can expand and increase the parameters. They feel there is simply no point in thinking about all sentient beings since there is an infinite number of them. They may conceivably feel some kind of connection with their fellow human beings on this planet, but they feel that the infinite sentient beings in the multiple world systems and universes have nothing to do with their own experience as an individual. They may ask, "What point is there in trying to cultivate the mind that tries to include within its sphere every living being?" In a way that may be a valid objection, but what is important here is to understand the impact of cultivating such altruistic sentiments.

The point is to try to develop the scope of one's empathy in such a way that it can extend to any form of life that has the capacity to feel pain and experience happiness. It is a matter of defining a living organism as a sentient being. This kind of sentiment is very powerful, and there is no need to be able to identify, in specific terms, with every single living being in order for it to be effective. Take, for example, the universal nature of impermanence. When we cultivate the thought that things and events are impermanent, we do not need to consider every single thing that exists in the universe in order for us to be convinced of impermanence. That is not how the mind works. So it is important to appreciate this point.

In the first verse, there is an explicit reference to the agent "I": "May I always consider others precious." Perhaps a brief discussion on the Buddhist understanding of what this "I" is referring to might be helpful at this stage. Generally speaking, no one disputes that people--you, me, and others--exist. We do not question the existence of someone who undergoes the experience of pain. We say, "I see such-and-such" and "I hear such-and-such," and we constantly use the first-person pronoun in our speech. There is no disputing the existence of the conventional level of "self" that we all experience in our day-to-day life. Questions arise, however, when we try to understand what that "self" or "I" really is. In probing these questions we may try to extend the analysis a bit beyond day-to-day life--we may, for example, recollect ourselves in our youth. When you have a recollection of something from your youth, you have a close sense of identification with the state of the body and your sense of "self" at that age. When you were young, there was a "self." When you get older there is a "self." There is also a "self" that pervades both stages. An individual can recollect his or her experiences of youth. An individual can think about his or her experiences of old age, and so on. We can see a close identification with our bodily states and sense of "self," our "I" consciousness. Many philosophers and, particularly, religious thinkers have sought to understand the nature of the individual, that "self" or "I," which maintains its continuity across time. This has been especially important within the Indian tradition. The non-Buddhist Indian schools talk about atman, which is roughly translated as "self" or "soul"; and in other non-Indian religious traditions we hear discussion about the "soul" of the being and so on. In the Indian context, atman has the distinct meaning of an agent that is independent of the empirical facts of the individual. In the Hindu tradition, for example, there is a belief in reincarnation, which has inspired a lot of debate. I have also found references to certain forms of mystical practice in which a consciousness or soul assumes the body of a newly dead person. If we are to make sense of reincarnation, if we are to make sense of a soul assuming another body, then some kind of independent agent that is independent of the empirical facts of the individual must be posited. On the whole, non-Buddhist Indian schools have more or less come to the conclusion that the "self" really refers to this independent agent or atman. It refers to what is independent of our body and mind. Buddhist traditions on the whole have rejected the temptation to posit a "self," an atman, or a soul that is independent of our body and mind. Among Buddhist schools there is consensus on the point that "self" or "I" must be understood in terms of the aggregation of body and mind. But as to what, exactly, we are referring when we say "I" or "self," there has been divergence of opinion even among Buddhist thinkers. Many Buddhist schools maintain that in the final analysis we must identify the "self" with the consciousness of the person. Through analysis, we can show how our body is a kind of contingent fact and that what continues across time is really a being's consciousness.

Of course, other Buddhist thinkers have rejected the move to identify "self" with consciousness. Buddhist thinkers such as Buddhapalita and Chandrakirti have rejected the urge to seek some kind of eternal, abiding, or enduring "self." They have argued that following that kind of reasoning is, in a sense, succumbing to the ingrained need to grasp at something. An analysis of the nature of "self" along these lines will yield nothing because the quest involved here is metaphysical; it is a quest for a metaphysical self in which, Buddhapalita and Chandrakirti argue, we are going beyond the domain of the understanding of everyday language and everyday experience. Therefore "self," person, and agent must be understood purely in terms of how we experience our sense of "self." We should not go beyond the level of the conventional understanding of "self" and person. We should develop an understanding of our existence in terms of our bodily and mental existence so that "self" and person are in some sense understood as designations dependent upon mind and body. Chandrakirti used the example of a chariot in his Guide to the Middle Way (Madhyamakavatara).When you subject the concept of chariot to analysis, you are never going to find some kind of metaphysically or substantially real chariot that is independent of the parts that constitute the chariot. But this does not mean the chariot does not exist. Similarly, when we subject "self," the nature of "self," to such analysis, we cannot find a "self" independent of the mind and body that constitutes the existence of the individual or the being. This understanding of the "self" as a dependently originated being must also be extended to our understanding of other sentient beings. Other sentient beings are, once again, designations that are dependent upon bodily and mental existence. Bodily and mental existence is based on the aggregates, which are the psychophysical constituents of beings.

For the rest of teh verses cut and paste the following link into your browser: http://dalailama.com/teachings/training-the-mind/verse-1

Backpacking: Sespe Hot Springs

Sespe Wilderness, California

Not far from the skate parks in Ventura sits a lonely, boulder-strewn valley patrolled by circling condors and peppered with bubbling springs. Put aside your Tinseltown stereotypes: This is raw, unspoiled country. The Sespe is the last free-flowing river in Southern California. The 219,700-acre wilderness, which also encompasses the 53,000-acre Sespe Condor Sanctuary, is the heart of the largest core of roadless land abutting a U.S. metropolis.


The 18-mile hike to Sespe Hot Springs starts at the Piedra Blanca Trailhead and climbs over smooth river stones, past numerous cool-water swimming holes (sometimes filled with steelhead trout), and shapely sandstone cliffs. Do it in one long day or two shorter ones, stopping to camp at 8.5 miles near 108°F Willett Hot Springs (which can be crowded on weekends). Claim the first-come, first-served cabin or one of a dozen free tent spots, and tackle the next 10 miles the next day. By the time you reach Sespe's pools you'll be ready for another soak. Just remember that these waters top out at 190°F: It takes buckets of runoff to cool them, but once they're bearable you can float until you prune, watching resident bighorn sheep that often graze nearby.

Getting There
From Ojai, go 25 miles north on CA 33 to the Rose Valley turnoff. Turn right, and drive until you reach the Piedra Blanca Trailhead. Sespe Hot Springs UTM: 11S 0316774E 3830569N

Info
Ojai Ranger District, Los Padres National Forest. (805) 646-4348; www.fs.fed.us/r5/lospadres. For the best route, consult the Sespe Wilderness Trail Map ($9; tomharrisonmaps.com).

Season
Spring, when streams are running and fairy dusters bloom on the hillsides. Winter's good too, as long as the road isn't closed due to snowfall. Fall can be perfect: crisp or beautifully balmy. Summer's just too hot.

The Borderline/Narcissist Couple

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE?

You've probably heard by now, that these two personality types are drawn to each other, but might have wondered why this is true. I'll try to demystify this mutual attraction, and provide a little insight (as usual) along the way. For simplicity's sake, I discuss female Borderlines and male Narcissists, but these roles can certainly be reversed, and may include same-sex unions--in fact, the prevalence of borderline pathology could be considered heightened within the gay community.

Relationship issues are universal--and homosexual men and women struggle with many of the same concerns heterosexual couples do, because of their core disturbances throughout childhood. Frankly, I have never met a lesbian who didn't have major issues with her mother--but that's another article.

Many people who contact me for help, are already aware of a distinct pattern of attraction in their life. These romantic selections are thrilling at first, but later become disappointing and pain-producing--yet these patterns remain intact (despite self-promises to do it differently, "next time"). The only way to explain this odd phenomenon, is to understand the basis for these unwise relational choices, and that's what this piece attempts to address.

It's critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn't it simply natural to be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or who echoes personality aspects in yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you--but the scars from that time remain, unless there's been some serious core-focused intervention.

Narcissists are frequently 'super-givers,' but authentic intimacy/closeness is often avoided, given their engulfment fears. Caregiver types can be drawn to borderline disordered individuals who match their own attachment issues, so that 'safe' emotional proximity becomes a non-issue.

Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.

In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge.

A Narcissist relentlessly tries to 'crack the code' with his BPD lover, due to long-standing, faulty assumptions about himself he adopted as a boy, when his parents required him to be the perfect child. If he succeeded, he might have received praise. If he failed, their disappointment was palpable, which triggered feelings of shame. This child enters adulthood shaming himself, if ever he senses that he's performed less than perfectly! But what constitutes "perfection," and isn't it always a subjective state of mind?

A Narcissistic perfectionist believes; "If I feel bad in a relationship, it must be my fault." The Borderline believes; "If I feel bad in a relationship, it has to be your fault." This sets up an endless cycle, within which the Borderline rages or retreats--and the Narcissist attempts to fix it by cajoling, pursuing, rescuing, etc., to flee his (childhood) shame of feeling unlovable/neglected.

It's not terribly unusual for two people with borderline traits to engage, and regardless of the psycho-babble you may have read elsewhere, anyone who's actually done any work with borderlines would know this! Still, this coupling presents a highly combustible mix; their respective pathology draws them to each other--but the mutual harm/damage that's sustained by both parties in this type of dynamic is considerable. It should also be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited time, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal exposure. That's why we call their behaviors, "crazy-making."

This same sort of 'mutual dysfunction' principle holds true for two Narcissists who hook-up. Metaphorically, we have two crippled/impaired partners trying to construct a normal life together, when they can barely get around on their own. Each has lived with (core) insecurity and self-loathing for most of their life, due to unresolved infancy and childhood wounds to their sense of Self. You can surely imagine two individuals trying to navigate their environment in wheelchairs, but it could get pretty challenging in cramped quarters.

THE ROOT OF ALL EVILS

Core injuries that undermine/derail self-esteem start during infancy, and are reinforced and perpetuated throughout childhood. In the simplest of terms, core disturbance means that the 'hub' of your wheel is broken or damaged in some fashion. When the very center of your being has been compromised, all the spokes which emanate from this point, will be weak and susceptible to breaking under any amount of strain. Core trauma impacts every aspect of our existence. It influences self-worth, and determines how we think about and take care of ourselves, in personal and professional relationships.

The Narcissist usually compensates for core self-worth deficits, with rescuing or fixing compulsions, athletic, scholastic or professional over-achievements, charm/charisma, amassing material wealth, etc. The Borderline compensates for core deficits--but does it with her well-worn ability to seduce, for that is the only arena where she feels any true sense of mastery or self-confidence.

The son of a Borderline is typically attracted to females who echo the traits he saw in his mom or dad--and his boyhood trauma will be resuscitated over and over, with nearly every romantic partnership he forms in adulthood.

Borderlines grew up watching how their mothers behaved around men. They learned how to be adorable and seductive, to manipulate people into giving them what they wanted or needed. In short, they repeatedly observed these tactics being deployed by a masterful teacher, and adopted them.

A Borderline mother is often envious of her child's achievements/successes, and could be flirtatious or seductive with her daughter's romantic interests. She may have no compunctions whatsoever about stealing boyfriends/lovers from her teenage or adult child. Competition with her offspring might begin very early, and acutely influence/derail the father-daughter bond.

A variety of betrayals in childhood have deeply fractured a Borderline's core, and psychic trauma from this period can't help but seriously impact all adult relationship endeavors. Add to this, the imprint from a narcissistic parent is retained, and may be subconsciously sought after in her adult attachments.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Narcissists have built-in grandiosity. This is a defense against their feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, which triggers their compulsion to rescue, fix, teach and train others. They automatically presume to know what others are thinking and feeling, and can come across as absolute authorities on various topics. A Narcissist loves to tell you what you're feeling, rather than asking about it, which can be infuriating for anyone. Borderlines have such a fragile sense of Self to begin with, they'll usually act-out their frustration with the Narcissist's 'Mr. Know-it-all' defenses by retreating or raging. He may regard her as explosive or crazy, but he's the one who's unwittingly lit her fuse. His ongoing need to be in the one-up position and exert control, forms the basis of many conflicts and struggles with this couple. The sad reality is, he has observed these traits in his narcissistic parent, and has emulated them.

A Narcissist lover will more readily trigger his borderline partner's defensive acting-out behaviors, as his engulfment fears and self-involvement catalyze her abandonment concerns. This is a two-sided coin however, as while she's yearning for his attention and affection, she experiences painful sensations that were once confused/entwined with loving an unresponsive parent, and those dramatic feelings are reinvigorated--and equated with love!

Both Borderlines and Narcissists associate Love with painful longing. This is the crux of all those come here/go away (push/pull) cycles with this couple, and a whole lotta country western songs! Love equals pain, and vice-versa.

When their intense craving for love is met, painful sensations they've come to interpret as loving feelings, evaporate. At this point, the Borderline feels bored or annoyed, and pushes away. With healthy/whole partners who need continuity of loving feelings, the Borderline feels emotional claustrophobia, which compels her to disrupt episodes of authentic intimacy between them. The Narcissist responds to his need for distance and autonomy, by selecting unavailable BPD lovers who won't trigger his engulfment fears.

When closeness or engulfment fears become heightened, both NPD and BPD partners can experience anxiety, which prompts their need to draw back. The distance between them eases tension, but a narcissistic perfectionist makes it his fault, and experiences shame. This catalyzes his frantic efforts to win-her-over again. It isn't that he's needing her--he's needing reprieve from his toxic sense of unlovability/unworthiness (shameful remnants from boyhood).

I'm often asked if Borderlines are capable of loving, and this appears to be a very central concern during the course of these relationships--and afterward, when the discarded partner needs to cling to the ideation that they were in fact, truly loved. Borderlines felt pain in relation to longing and striving for their parent's affection throughout childhood--and learned to interpret those difficult/dramatic feelings as Love. Chasing partners who are emotionally or physically unavailable--or married/attached, keeps their yearning alive, and inhibits them from embracing somebody who's actually able to provide love on a consistent basis. Narcissists are similarly attracted to someone who's slightly out of reach, for this eases engulfment concerns (more about this, a bit further down). The search for a partner who's able to magically surmount this issue may continue for a lifetime--as the "right one" never materializes.

It's virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD lover has no real capacity for love, as during the 'good times,' he's felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict--for this challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it's supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties in childhood strongly influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents, solidified his sense that he was valued by them--but these episodes were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This early pattern has set the stage for his obsessional attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can't painfully yearn for someone who's consistently present and available! It has also impaired his self-worth.

It is critical to accept that if a Borderline partner becomes healthier through core-focused assistance, there will be considerably less chaos and conflict in this coupling, which can prompt sensations of deadness or discontent in the narcissistic partner. He thrives on stimulation (either pleasurable or painful) that triggers feelings of aliveness he can't produce for himself. At this point, he may feel the need to look outside their relationship for more excitement, or behave in ways that create disharmony between them. What this means is, the Borderline is damned if she doesn't get well, and damned if she does, for she may no longer be able to hold her lover's attention.

IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE--NO, IT'S SUPERMAN!

Early wounds to one's narcissism, breeds narcissistic adults. If a child had to shut down his needs and difficult feelings in order to survive the rigors of his painful childhood experiences, he may have acquired a sense of invincibility, and assumed he could handle anything that came up. This was his defense against feeling vulnerable or fragile. These 'weaker' sensations can often lay dormant for many years, until he joins with a Borderline who reawakens the excruciating anguish he learned to put aside or adjust to as a little kid.

The core shame that's invoked in him during these times, is monumental. He remembers how powerful, in-control and popular he was before he started up with the Borderline and his world began to collapse. He cannot reconcile his current (dispicable) frailty with the entrenched Superman persona he erected in boyhood--and it causes him a deep sense of despair, embarrassment and frustration. Self-worth repair within core trauma work can help him, but it's like 'boot camp' for the soul. Few will make the effort to heal and grow.

SO THIS IS ANOTHER FINE MESS WE'VE GOTTEN OURSELVES INTO.

A chameleon's coloring will change according to its surrounding environment; this reptile's protective camouflage helps it capture its prey, and hide from natural predators. Borderline personalities are chameleon-like--they'll quickly discern what's important to you, and become that, in the early phase of your relationship. Most of us have been seeking this sort of romantic congruency our entire life. To even get close to finding it, can seem like a miracle! The trouble is, as soon as this guy or gal senses that they've captured you, their normal colors return--and you're dealing with a different sort of creature.

The molting process of reptiles involves shedding their skin to accommodate growth--it's like outgrowing a Tee-shirt you wore as a child. Sadly, personal growth is threatening to Borderlines, and underneath their perfectly adoring veneer is the dark side they've hidden from you, just long enough to get you hooked. Once you're really theirs, this part emerges--and you spend the rest of your time in this dance trying to figure it all out, and reconnect with that person you fell for initially.

I'd watched this happen with a BPD colleague, who married her lover only six months after meeting him. On the eve of their wedding, I'm sure he believed he'd finally found the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, in this perfectly adoring female. Then it changed, and got pretty ugly. I think she'll kill him.

THE TAMING OF THE SCREW

The Borderline's captivating allure is nearly impossible to ignore--particularly for a man in mid-life. Long term marriages are often destroyed in the midst of affairs with considerably younger women who've enlivened the Narcissist's sense of grandiosity, along with his penis. Erectile dysfunction is generally blamed on the wife of many years--when it's actually just a symptom of pre-existing intimacy issues, that have reached critical mass. I think of ED more as Emotional Dysfunction, than any problems with male physiology. In most instances, this is a psychic/emotional issue--not a physical one.

The narcissistic male places himself in a double-bind, when he attributes his organ's enthusiastic response to the female who's awakened it from a deep slumber. Initially, some magical thinking presumes that she's responsible for his newfound sexual prowess--and as such, they're meant to sail off into the sunset together. Before long though, all this power he assigns to her is a bit intimidating. A Narcissist may need to be needed, but he can't allow himself to need anyone. Sexual dependency on someone brings up deep fears about loss of love and control, and here's where his distancing maneuvers can kick in. This is not consciously held by the Narcissist--it's just an archaic defense mechanism, that helps him maintain his emotional equilibrium.

A healthy, whole woman might be disappointed to miss out on a phone call from her lover the morning after an especially close/loving evening--but the borderline-disordered female interprets the most subtle signs of neglect, as loss of love and affection. Her abandonment fears are instantly triggered. In self-defense, she shuts down, rages or takes herself away. The Borderline's been poised for this to happen anyhow (due to losses in childhood), so she'll imagine abandoning behavior, even when/where it doesn't exist.

Now, the self-protective defenses begin, as neither partner wants to venture too far out on this limb, for fear of falling from their love nest of infatuation. This mutually held anxiety can inhibit genuine expressions of caring from the Narcissist, while triggering frantic, premature declarations of "love" from the Borderline. Like a small child, her emotional responses are unboundaried and irrepressible. The toxic shame that's catalyzed when her impulsivity (in love) isn't reciprocated, is intolerable--so she shames her partner via projections.

Sex may be the glue holding these two together, while their respective need for autonomy is motivated by fear about getting too close. This ambivalence automatically sets off a series of controlling behaviors within each, for being physically and emotionally naked with someone, means feeling too exposed and vulnerable; "what if he/she sees the real me, and leaves?"

Hypersexuality in the Borderline is an intricate issue. On one hand, she uses it to escape her numbness and emptiness. On the other, she believes that she can control lovers in this way. This facet is magnified when there's been incest or sexual molestation during her childhood, because she was made to feel 'special' by accommodating/catering to an adult's prurient appetites. Her self-worth is inextricably linked to performance and will continue--especially with rebound (or auxiliary) lovers who are struck by its exciting novelty. This issue was at one time, referred to as Nymphomania. Sex addiction is fairly common among male and female Borderlines.

Your coupling could be sexually intoxicating--but that's generally because it isn't 'safe' (or possible) to connect in other domains of this relationship. In short, all that energy gets funneled--and flows wherever and however it can. Even fighting can become a couple's only means of connecting.

WHEN OPPOSITES ATTRACT . . .

Narcissistic individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they're passive-aggressive. They're more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships, which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always the one in power--and the Borderline's needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she's the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses them; he's the passive partner. Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner--or the Borderline. She'll keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three year old, when he takes a stand--even though she requires the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide.

ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON MUTUAL NEED.

A Borderline needs the qualities in you, that are lacking in herself; honesty, dependability, strength of character, etc. She possesses an uncanny ability for finding men who've built stable, flourishing lifestyles (whether married or not), but who have insecurities and self-doubts left over from boyhood. The Borderline methodically goes about finding out where your vulnerabilities are buried; when she discovers what's behind your props, she cleverly uses your weaknesses against you, for her own advancement/gain. Decades ago, these women were referred to as gold-diggers or home-wreckers. The male version was a Gigolo or Casanova who took sexual/emotional advantage of females, and/or robbed them blind.

When a Borderline encounters a successful, charismatic Narcissist, she sees power in him, and security/comfort for herself. Since she has never really felt protected in her world, this male is perceived as her ticket to safety. He may never have felt especially attractive or worthy of attention from a girl who's a real 'traffic stopper'--so he's flattered out of his pants by the Borderline's seductive pursuit. His grandiose false-self has craved this type of attention his whole life--even though he's never felt deserving of it. Thus begins their dance, which replicates an intoxicating pattern that neither can resist.

Based on a Borderline's level of emotional desperation, she may not choose men who've attained significant acclaim, stability or success. Abandonment fears always influence partner selection, and are key to these attractions. Essentially, the greater your need is for this female (sexually, emotionally, psychologically or financially), the more easily she can keep the upper-hand and control you--and it's always about control for the Borderline.

Having been raised by narcissistic people who couldn't respond to her needs for consistent mirroring and affection, the Borderline feels at home when she locates a partner who initially showers her with adoration--but then retreats, or finds fault with her. Girlhood longing for love was associated with pain, so she's programmed to keep striving for that which cannot be satisfied. Each disruption of loving attention reactivates her core despair, so she settles for scraps of love, that echo her early conditioning. A lover who's more available or responsive, doesn't fit this paradigm--or inspire her passionate response.

It's impossible to avoid personalizing the Borderline's abusive behavior--but her rage isn't about you. It's misdirected feelings of disappointment, anger and hurt she's stored for a lifetime--and couldn't express to Mom or Dad.

DRAMA QUEENS AND PERFECT LITTLE PRINCES

The narcissistically injured male continually seeks females who can perfectly mirror his attributes and qualities--and whom in some manner, need him. He then gets to assuage his abandonment concerns--but the flip-side of being needed, is being engulfed. The Borderline can initially smother/suffocate her prey with attention that causes him to retreat or distance, because while it's flattering, and mitigates his abandonment fears--it triggers vaguely familiar sensations of engulfment he had to endure in boyhood, with Mother.

His constant challenge then, is staying close without being swallowed-up by the Borderline's needy, clingy, demanding nature. This challenge is lessened of course, by the Borderline's continuous pattern of seduction and retreat. In this way, the Narcissist's fear of engulfment/too much closeness, becomes a non-issue. If he were truly emotionally available, he could not tolerate these erratic (come here/go away) patterns--and would seek a female who is more consistently responsive to him and his needs (past the Honeymoon stage).

If this male's mother had BPD Waif features, he grew up having to meet her needs for attention, mirroring, flattery, emotional soothing, etc. She could have made him her confidant in adult matters--especially concerning issues with his dad. A little boy is overburdened by these complaints, and doesn't relish this role--but at the same time, all this special attention from Mother imbues him with a sense of value/importance--which forms the core of his self-worth. Her awareness of his needs is painfully limited, so he welcomes this 'surrogate husband' job, which (at least) provides vicarious satisfaction. This sets him up for codependent relationships in his adult world, for being needed was his only way of replenishing any viable self-image, and escaping shameful feelings connected to disappointing someone.

Codependency and engulfment concerns resulting from this type of dynamic, are then transferred onto all later attachments. There's an automatic reflex that comes into play with a mother-enmeshed man. Sensations of closeness are entwined with loss of Self. Thus, his inner narrative becomes; "if I get too close to you, I'll have to relinquish too much of me." Commitment has gotten confused with engulfment, which means having to give up important needs and freedoms. Hence, profound control issues have evolved, and he'll only choose females with whom he thinks he can maintain the upper hand. A needy, BPD female perfectly fits this paradigm--at least at the onset. Any man who persistently chooses borderline disordered women, has attachment fears that run as deep as those of the females he's courting.

To contemplate leaving a Borderline presents significant inner struggles, for not only is the Narcissist enmeshed, he's terrified of potential ramifications his departure might catalyze. He's all too familiar with her acute instability, and frightened that she'll either bring great harm to herself--or to him. Some men have described suicide and/or murder threats and attempts, trumped-up domestic violence charges, stalking, vandalism to their property, etc., when they've tried to flee these tormenting relationships. The tragic reality is, it's often easier to remain, than to leave--but this can spawn risks to his health, his livelihood, his family ties, and all other associations. Leaving triggers his guilt as well, which is an old remnant from childhood individuation struggles.

AS THE TWIG IS BENT . . .

The mother of a Narcissist could make her son feel that he is the center of her universe. He is the Golden Boy who can do no wrong--but only when he's perfectly responsive to her demands and wishes! A couple of problems arise here; she's imbedded and fueled his grandiosity--even though he's unable to discern why he's so "special," but has simultaneously implanted self-esteem issues, which surface when he experiences himself as flawed or imperfect. A borderline lover always reconstitutes this early confusion and wounding, with her push-pull emotional gymnastics. Intermittant episodes of adoration and abandonment revive familiar patterns from boyhood, that he has normalized. This keeps him striving for continuity of love/affection that's unattainable--but uncomfortable/bored with any female who can provide loving constancy.

The Borderline Waif mother makes certain her son knows that she could not survive without him, and that he is the guardian of (both) her pleasure and pain. These early dynamics set him up for very specific relational patterns in adulthood, which have driven him into the arms of needy/clingy Borderlines. On a subconscious level, his valiant efforts to save her and fortify self-worth (despite all her loving/rejecting behaviors), replicate his boyhood blueprint for attachment.

If a male was raised by a Queen or Witch-type Borderline, he'll be drawn to women with similar traits or characteristics, who will retraumatize him. It's also possible that he might select a female who's relatively devoid of those features, and with whom he can access more empowerment and autonomy, than he could as a child. These needs can propel him toward someone with waif traits--but even the Waif must exert control over her partners.

Men raised by borderline disordered mothers frequently adopt and retain BPD features, due to an inability to trust and forge close, intimate bonds during boyhood. This has them persistently choosing relationships with women who are poorly equipped to meet their needs for connection and closeness--and turning away from those who are able to offer genuine love and care. They might fantasize that a female will come along who can magically break down their attachment avoidance--but this fantasy won't be realized, unless they get solid (core) help. Even then, their defenses could remain entrenched and implacable.

Narcissistic males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, unless their 'props' have vanished--meaning, they've lost their fortunes and good health, after involvement with a Borderline. At this point, their defenses are lowered, and we have a chance to construct a Man from a broken little boy.

Solid inner work can invoke feelings of needing the therapist, which instantly produce anxiety. This catalyzes his reflex to sabotage that relationship with 'tests' he suspects may result in abandonment. If this occurs, his entrenched belief that anyone who could have value/importance to him will let him down or leave, becomes prophesy fulfillment. Sadly, this reflex keeps real love at bay--and he'll continue to dabble with Borderlines (and clinicians) who have no actual capacity to meet his vital emotional needs.

WHEN WILL I BE LOVED?

A Borderline's needs were severely neglected in infancy and childhood, which left her with painful self-worth issues. She may have only received praise for her looks, or being the "perfect" little girl, and this became the basis of her self-esteem. Sadly, her mother may have been envious of the attention she got, and jealous of the connection she shared with her father--or any male, for that matter. Thus began a steady erosion of her sense of Self, especially when it threatened the mother's sense of worth. Borderline mothers usually detest other females. First, they view them as threats--and second, there's such primal rage left over from infancy (with Mom), this hatred is transferred onto all other women. For the Borderline, even minor disappointments can mean fatal ruptures to solid, nourishing relationships of any type.

I saw a TV advertisement one day, for a 'Little Miss Perfect' beauty pageant. I must tell you, I felt nauseated and heartsick at seeing these little girls in adult costumes and full makeup, and I thought; these are the Borderlines of tomorrow! We're aghast when one of these children is abducted, raped and killed--but in my view, a society that sanctions these contests is demented.

The Borderline's perfectionism can drive endless plastic surgery procedures, which may begin earlier, rather than later in life. Her inner pain, emptiness and self-loathing dramatically distort how she views her physical being--and she believes that if she fixes all her (imagined) external flaws, she can feel happy and lovable. She could also invest in body ornamentation like tattoos, piercings, jeweled implants, etc., that temporarily ease her self-hatred and dysphoria. An endorphin rush is triggered by these painful procedures, which is part of their appeal--very much like self-cutting or burning, distracts from (and temporarily assuages) emotional anguish.

Extreme, unresolved rage issues toward Mother, can catalyze a Borderline's detachment from any/all aspects of femininity within the Self, and spawn bi-or homosexuality, transvestism or transgenderism and sexual reassignment surgeries. She may continue searching for an external solution to her despair and dissatisfaction--but happiness is an inside job. With each attachment to a new female, her hope for healing the mother-wound is revived. Sadly, few partners are equipped to provide this soothing, and a Borderline will usually triangulate relationships with partners who are--for an available/responsive lover doesn't trigger dramatically intense sensations associated with longing for a parent's love, that was unrequited or undersatisfied.

The Borderline continuously searches for affection, acceptance and approval, due to extreme deficits in childhood. Her needs for closeness and emotional safety overwhelm her--but while she might seek these elements in a male, she's really looking to mend her primal wounds from infancy. These profound needs are displaced onto romantic partners--but as she begins to feel that they can actually be responded to, deeply entrenched abandonment terror is invoked. This reaction is automatic and reflexive--and so is her retreat. Does this perpetual no-win cycle ever end? Not without specialized recovery work.

SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT . . .

To their partner, the Borderline's behaviors seem counterintuitive, and I get questions about this all the time; "If they're so afraid of abandonment, why do they push people away?" Here's my analogy: If you've chosen never to go through a divorce because you've seen the destruction it's wreaked in others lives--wouldn't you have to avoid getting married? The Borderline is terrified of abandonment. He/she doesn't allow themselves to attach, for fear of the annihilating pain that could follow if they do! You will never change this.

The Borderline will punish/deride you for failing to love her well enough--but she'll push you away, the instant that you do! Quite literally, you're damned when you adore the Borderline, and damned when you don't. This is totally confounding, and leaves you with a sense of hopeless longing for that which cannot be gratified. This lack of grounding (in love) is highly toxic to you.

When you've grown up gaining a sense of worth from being the perfect child or accommodating a parent's needs, and backing that up with rescuing/fixing impulses in adulthood, you're pretty confident you'll turn this deal around--if you just keep working at it! If you can just stabilize your partner, all will be right in your world. After all, you've accomplished other great feats, and this will prove no different, right? Wrong. This is your narcissistic injury talking, and it's needing to be healed. Core issues that are not resolved, are doomed to keep repeating.

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.
www.GettinBetter.com